Old Habits Dieted Hard: What the What?

When I started blogging, I promised myself the number one thing I wanted to be was honest. I didn't want to lie to my readers. I didn't want to create a character and become someone I'm not, no matter how much cooler that person may be than I actually am in real life. I wanted to be myself, and I wanted to be honest. When I started Old Habits Diet Hard, I wanted to carry this through. I wanted to be honest about the struggles and triumphs of weight loss for a grad student who loves to cook and eat. There is a reason I stopped blogging this semester, and that reason involves OHDH. And I owe it to you all to be honest. And I am finally ready to tell you what happened.


There is a very find line between calorie counting and exercise bulimia. I consider myself pretty self-aware, and I knew when I started dieting that I would be walking this line. Every day is a series of numbers - I ate this much, I burned this much, I need to eat this much more, but not THIS much more because then I'm in maintenance and not in weight loss. Every day I was reminding myself not to get caught up in these numbers, because what was important was eating better and moving more.


I think the beginning of the end came when a friend (whom I love dearly despite how this story may sound) told me I was destined to fail. I wasn't experiencing the results I was looking for, and I was at a really low point. I was working out 3-4 times a week and consistently hitting my calorie goals (on every day but Wednesdays, which for some reason, were my fat days), but the scale wouldn't budge. My friend told me that because I was so miserable, I was not going to be successful. I would not lose weight because I was not making sustainable lifestyle changes that I could stick with forever. I would not lose weight because I was not enjoying the dieting process.


At the time, this was the worst thing anyone could have possibly said to me. I was heartbroken. My friends, who had been so supportive, were turning on me. What the what? Was I that much of a mess? I called my sister, who promptly told me to ignore my friend, that I should not get caught up in the numbers, and to go to bed (most advice in my family ends in "go to bed").


For some reason, this triggered something in me. I was worried that I had become too obsessive about dieting - which I in turn treated by becoming completely obsessive about dieting. I'm talking deliberations before every meal, panic attacks whenever I was invited out with friends, and jumping jacks at midnight so that I could eat one more bite of peanut butter. I was sick. I felt myself walking that line between calorie counting and exercise bulimia, and I felt myself teetering over to the dark side.


One night, I ate too much for dinner. I was getting ready to go out with my friends, and I knew everyone would be drinking. The thought instantly popped into my head, "if I threw up right now, I'd feel better, and I would have calories left to eat later." What the what?! Who is this person in my brain?! I ended up not going out that night, beating myself up for my thoughts, and going to bed miserable. This would have been almost permissible if it was the only time this thought crossed my mind. There were another three occasions in the same week where my pretty-much-full-blown exercise bulimia was teetering into that other kind of bulimia. All three times I caught myself before I did something I would regret, beat myself up over it, and went to bed miserable.


I continued calorie counting until two weeks before the wedding. While sitting in a diner at midnight, I inputted the food I was eating into my iPhone. I had done kickboxing that morning and walked all day; my exercise calories burned were well over 1000. My calorie counter alerted me that I was over budget for the day. I went through and deleted every single thing I had eaten that day from the counter. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want it to exist. I thought, "Fuck you, MyFitnessPal. I worked out literally all day. I am going to drink this Cosmopolitan and eat this cheesecake. And I am going to look fabulous at this wedding, and you are not going to bring me down anymore." And that's exactly what I did. It was the worst cosmo I had ever had. I did not care. It tasted like victorious defeat.


A wise therapist once told me that my anxiety stems from the word "should." She had me create a list of things I loved and and a list of things I wanted to know more about. The things I loved were, obviously, wonderfully awesome things. All of the things I wanted to know more about were things that I should know more about. Exercise that makes me happy. Reading the books that I own. Planning for the future. Whenever I do anything, I am constantly aware of what I should be doing instead - even if what I am doing is writing a paper, I probably should be writing that paper, while doing my laundry, and eating some impossibly delicious low-cal homemade meal that I whipped up for under $3 per serving. As I wrote that sentence, I thought "I should find a way to include lesson planning in that scenario too." I cannot stop.


Calorie counting is a list of "shoulds". Did you eat cereal with a banana and almond milk for breakfast? You should have only used half the banana. Did you run for 40 minutes today? You should have run for at least 45. For someone like me, it's lethal. My anxiety turned me into a monster. A crazy, diet-obsessed, slightly-bulimic monster. I was miserable.


I am happy to say that I loved the way I looked at the wedding. I was gorgeous, and I got lots of compliments on how much weight I had lost. Sure, the scale only said 5 pounds, but it felt like more. And those last 2 weeks when I was walking for pleasure and going to the gym classes that interested me (ballet, Zumba, kickboxing, yoga) were the first time in my life where I enjoyed exercise. Sure, I probably went because I knew I should. But I actually enjoyed myself while I was there. And I felt great afterwards!


Since all of these events, I have gotten off track and probably gained back a bit of the weight that I lost (FINALS #gradschoolproblems). But I am now back to walking, dancing, kickboxing, and yogaing my stress away. More importantly, I have stopped caring so much. Food is food. I have to eat it. I try to eat healthy, but if I don't this ONE TIME, no one is going to die. I am not obese, and I'm not really on track to be. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I cut myself a break. And everyone else should too. Forgive yourself. It's worth it.


So there it is. Honesty Hour here on Concrete Jane. I've missed you, blogosphere. I'm happy to be back.

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling

... they obviously are baking and/or eating cupcakes.


St. Patrick's Day fell in the middle of spring break & midterms this year, which was also peak dieting phase for me. Y'all know I would much rather eat my calories in dessert than drink them in alcohol, so while I allowed myself a celebratory Guinness, I did most of my St. Paddy's celebrating with chocolate cupcakes and Bailey's frosting.


I used Hershey's Perfectly Chocolate Cake recipe, with a few alterations, and Baileys Irish Cream Frosting from Martha Stewart's Cupcakes book, which was simply perfect. I wholeheartedly believe these could be a year-round treat!


Here's what you'll need to make about 30 cupcakes:

• 2 cups of sugar
• 3/4 cups cocoa powder
• 1 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 1 cup water
• 1 cup milk (I used skim)
• 2 tsp vanilla extract

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Mix together cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, salt, and flour.

In a separate bowl, mix together oil, sugar, and vanilla extract. I did this by hand, but you're welcome to use a mixer here.

Add eggs, one at a time, until your mixture looks nice and goopy.

Meanwhile, put your milk and water together in a pot and bring to an almost-boil. You want it hot, but milk gets funky when it boils. You just want to scald it a bit.

Alternate adding dry ingredients and milk mixture into your wet ingredient bowl. Again, I do this by hand so as not to overmix the cake, but you could do it in a stand mixer and most people wouldn't know the difference.

Oh yea, be prepared for your kitchen to start smelling AMAZING the minute the milk hits the cocoa. It'll be like delicious, bakeable hot chocolate. People will come out of the woodwork. Be prepared.

Once everything is combined (it'll probably be a little bubbly or lumpy), fill your cupcake liners about 2/3 of the way with the batter. Bake 22 to 25 minutes, depending on the size and temperature of your oven. I rotate mine halfway through because my oven is horrible.

When they're done, you will have delicious, perfectly chocolate cupcakes.

These cupcakes take easily to any frosting, or to no frosting at all! I halved Martha's Baileys recipe and had enough to pipe onto 30 cupcakes, easily, but I like a big cake to frosting ratio. Here's the halved recipe:

• 1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
• 2 cups confectioners' sugar
• 1 1/2 Tbsp Baileys Irish Cream liqueur (do yourself a favor and use the real stuff here, no knockoffs. It's worth it. It's such a small amount that you'll have the rest for drinking later - and do you really want to drink the fake stuff? No. No you don't.)
• 1/4 tsp vanilla extract

With an electric mixer (hand or stand) on medium-high speed, cream the butter until smooth. Reduce speed to medium. Add sugar, 1/2 cup at a time, beating well after each addition and scraping down sides of the bowl. After every two additions, raise speed to high and beat for 10 seconds to aerate frosting.

Add Baileys and vanilla, and beat until combined and smooth. I used a piping bag with a round tip and topped my babies with semi-sweet chocolate chips.

Voila! Such delicious little cupcakes. And don't they look like miniature Guinnesses?

These were a HUGE hit. I ended up stashing some in the freezer to make truffles out of, and they magically disappeared over a few days. This cake is my absolute favorite, go-to chocolate cake recipe, and I'll definitely be making this frosting again!

We've had a lot of cause for celebration lately. Have you made any treats to share with friends and family?

Let's Go Explore: Upper Montclair

As you may or may not know, I teach in New Jersey. Before I took this job, I hadn't spent much time in Jersey, and I definitely had expectations about the state before I started going there on a regular basis.

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I am happy to report that New Jersey, or at least the parts of it I see on a regular basis, is absolutely nothing like what I thought it would be. There are cute houses and pretty trees and adorable shopping centers - and absolutely none of my students are in the running to be the next Jersey Shore cast member. I've actually found all the people to be quite lovely.

There's one area that I pass by on the train that I've been wanting to spend more time in. It always looks like a picturesque little storybook town. Also, my grandmother grew up near this area, so I wanted to see the house where my father spent his childhood vacations. One sunny day, it was time to explore.

On the bus to New Jersey, I texted my dad to get his grandfather's address. I Google Mapped it to find out it's only a mile and a half from my school - sweet! Thanks iPhone! After class and my office hours, I walked down a pretty little neighborhood street, listening to my cousin's music and taking in the wind.

It was really cool to be wandering around in a neighborhood. Except for the few days I was in South Florida, I honestly can't remember the last time I was in a real, big houses, backyards neighborhood. And these were SOME HOUSES. As I approached the end of the street, I had this overwhelming feeling. I just knew I was getting close to my great grandfather's house. Apparently I had driven by this house when I was 6, and I saw a picture of it a year or so ago. But I don't think that was it. There was an air about this place. I knew it had history. My family's history. My history.

Once I saw/enjoyed/stalked the house, I made my way into the Upper Montclair town center. What a cute little area! Full of adorable shops and cafes. There were at least five stationary stores. One of my favorite things was this little alleyway that led to more stores.

But my absolute favorite part of town was this 4 screen movie theatre. I've seen it from the train a million times and I usually consider getting off and catching a film. It's just so cute! I mentioned it to my dad and he said "Was the movie theater the Bellevue? If so, your uncle stole a replica of the Bounty when Bounty on the Mutiny showed there in 196-whatever it was." Awesome.

Such a fun area to explore. I'm glad I got to play around a little bit on a workday!

(All photos personal unless otherwise credited)

Let's Go Explore. Explore. Explore.

It's spring break, and I've pretty much only done two things:

1. Read in coffee shops and bakeries
2. Wander, often aimlessly, around New York City

I'd say that in the last week or so, I've probably walked at least a half marathon if not a full marathon. It's starting to get sunny out, and that pretty much only means one thing: Exploring. Everywhere. Mostly the Upper West Side.

On Saturday, I walked down through the Upper West Side to Central Park. I apparently forgot that my camera was capable of taking pictures for a while. I then met up with Jungle K and some of her friends down in Union Square for some delicious upscale dining hall food at Vapiano. Yum! Then we wandered around Greenwich Village and SoHo for some people-watching and sightseeing. The highlight of this trip was, of course, Washington Square Park:

Sand art in Washington Square Park

Random piano player in the (empty) fountain of Washington Square Park

On Sunday, I walked down the Upper West Side again to check out one of the biggest flea markets in NYC, Greenflea. Miss M recommended this market to me a few weeks ago, and I've been dying to check it out. Every Sunday from 10 am - 5:30 pm (6 in the summer) on Columbus between 76th and 77th Streets, The Parents Association of PS 87 hosts the market to raise funds for the school. Education AND thrifting? I'm IN. There were a ton of delectable treats and fun finds. I didn't buy anything (except a samosa because they're irresistible), but I definitely want to go back. What a fabulous find! Then I sat in Magnolia Bakery with a latte, a White Chocolate Fudge Brownie, and a good book.

Before heading back uptown, and taking in the view of course.

The Cathedral never ceases to amaze me.

Random Peacock on the Cathedral grounds. What the heck? Not complaining.

Today and Monday I made my gym trips into mini walking trips as well, finding some more fun things to photograph in the Upper West Side.

An ad that made me cry. No big deal.

I will seriously give money to whoever can tell me what these creatures are.

This whole thing made me really realize just how marvelous this city is. Where else can you just wander like this? While on these adventures, I also saw Lin-Manuel Miranda, writer and star of In The Heights. It's been a pretty fabulous week. It's a shame that the second half of it must be spent in the library.

Anyone else go on safari this week?

Is Butter A Carb? (Today's Fun Fact)

Today's fun fact is another law, as they tend to be. Anyone who lives in or has visited New York may have noticed that most large chain restaurants have calorie counts visible.

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This is due to a New York City (not state!) law that requires food service establishments with 15 or more locations that operate under a single ownership to post calorie counts for menu items that are standardized in portion size and content. This includes franchises, food stands, and local or national chains. Menus, food tags, and any advertisement for an item must contain the calorie information for foods and beverages. Seasonal or specialty items (on the menu for less than 30 days a year) are exempt.

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So. Why here? Why now? The government has been trying to crack down on the rising obesity and diabetes incidence rates in NYC for a while now; their latest campaign features gross depictions of bubbling fat coming out of sugary beverages in an attempt to deter New Yorkers from drinking their calories (I'll spare you from those images). City-dwellers, perhaps more than residents of other states of the union, eat a large percentage of their calories outside their home - the average New Yorker eats a full third of their calories in restaurants, from street vendors, and probably at Starbucks.

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It's truly mind-boggling. The things that we take for granted as grab-and-go - a bran muffin at Dunkin Donuts, a burrito at Chipotle, a flavored latte at Starbucks - turn out to be pretty horrible for us. You'd be hard-pressed to find any snack at your favorite place for under 200 calories. Unless, of course, you choose soy crisps or a miniature granola bar. Was ignorance bliss? Were we better off not knowing just how many calories were on our tray? Some New Yorkers say yes - claiming that having a 1,650 calorie meal at Wendy's is okay because they have an "active lifestyle". Some New Yorkers are making better choices, swearing off their morning muffins and street pretzels. Some are just ignoring it altogether; I've had friends say they didn't even notice the numbers.

Recently, there's been a push for national calorie count laws. While not as strict as the New York law, this portion of Obama's health care reform would require national chains to post calorie counts in a similar fashion. Honestly, I'm for it. For me personally, even before I started keeping track of my food intake, published calorie counts make me more conscious of my decisions. At least I know that I'm making a bad choice when I buy that brownie and exactly HOW bad of a choice it is. Most of this information was readily available anyway, and to make it this public just gives us fewer excuses to be a nation of ignorant fat people (sorry, but you know it's true!).

What do you think?

Let's Go Explore: Midtown Manhattan

Hooray! My favorite segment is back! (It's my favorite because it involves me doing fun stuff)

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I commute to New Jersey to teach. I take the 1 pm train back and usually arrive in the city by 2 pm. I've developed all sorts of good and bad timewasting habits for my train rides - Facebook stalking, doing homework, Tumbling, grading papers, and catching up on NY happenings. Today, I was balancing reading a textbook and reading my iPhone, and one of my favorite blogs reported that 30 Rock would be filming at 30 Rock all day today.


ALL DAY?! That's a long time. Usually it's a few hour window, and you're lucky if you make it there in time with all the celebrity stalkers. Now, I knew it wasn't a guaranteed thing since the weather was iffy all day, but since my train would arrive in Penn Station (about 1.2 miles from Rockefeller Center), and I'm a bit stir crazy from a studious weekend, I had to take the chance.


Now before you read any further, I should tell you that I didn't see 30 Rock being filmed. It all but hurricaned this morning; I arrived in Manhattan during a dry period, but it was clearly going to rain again. I don't know how filmmakers account for this kind of thing, but I have a feeling they couldn't film outside today.


I DID, however, have a lovely hour and a half long excursion through touristy midtown (and I burned 200 calories walking & carrying my backpack around - bonus!). I started at the flagship Macy's, which is right across the street from Penn. I had walked by Macy's before, but I had never been inside. It's just like any other Macy's, except slightly bigger, much busier, and more spread-out. It's kind of like a Macy's-Mall-hybrid. OF COURSE they were having a sale, so I bought myself a little present.

A Betsey Johnson Panda Necklace! Swoon.

Then I headed over to Herald Square to see one of my favorite statues in the city, the James Gordon Bennett Monument, also known as the Bennett Clock. It features a lovely statue of Minerva, Roman Goddess of Wisdom, complete with two tireless workers to chime the bell and lots of owls.

According to the inscription, Minerva and the Bellringers stood atop Joseph Gordon Bennett's New York Herald building, tolling hourly from 1895 to 1921. In 1928, they were restored to their original location and continue to be officially maintained by the Parks Department. However, as of 1940, the statues don't actually hit the bell anymore - it's all an illusion (one that cost the city $200,000 in restoration a few years ago!). Anyway, I adore Minerva and her owls, so this is my favorite.

Then I walked up Fashion Ave to say hello to my good friends Patience and Fortitude at the NY Public Library

 (This one is Patience)

And finally, I ended my trip with a snack and a visit to Rockefeller Center, which was sadly empty, but always majestic. It will always be one of my favorite architectural spots in the city.

So much Greek mythology! No wonder Percy Jackson put Olympus here.

It started raining the minute I finished my sandwich, so I bolted to the B train and headed back uptown. All in all, a successful exploration! I found touring these touristy areas as a local surprisingly zen.


Do you have any places (no matter how touristy!) in your city that you can see over and over again and never tire of?

Dinner Tonight: Chicken Fajita Wrap

Welcome to my newest feature! Dinner Tonight showcases the healthy and tasty entrees that I cook for myself. All Dinner Tonight meals are for one unless otherwise specified!

I know, I know, everything I make has "fajita" and "chicken" in the name. But tonight's dinner is quick, easy, and healthy. It took about 15-20 minutes to cook, clocked in at around 300 calories, and was DELICIOUS - you can't beat that! All the measurements aren't exact and your chopping doesn't have to be pretty. Just use whatever you have on hand and whatever brands are your favorites.

Ingredients:

• 3-4 chicken breast tenderloins
• Goya Mojo Criollo Marinade
• 1/4 red bell pepper
• 1/4 green bell pepper
• 1/4 small yellow onion
• 1/4 cup black beans (leftovers are great here!)
• 6 grape tomatoes
• 1 Trader Joe's Whole Grain Tortilla with Rolled Oats & Flax Seeds

Prep:

• I keep my chicken tenders in pre-portioned baggies in the freezer, so I made sure to pop one of the baggies in the fridge last night so it would be good and defrosted by morning.
• Add mojo marinade (you don't need a lot) to the baggie and put the chicken back in fridge. The longer it marinates, the better! Mine probably marinated for around 5 hours or so. Make sure to flip the baggie halfway so everything gets the good stuff.

Directions:

• Slice peppers and onions to your liking. I half-ass julienned mine.
• Coat a non-stick skillet with cooking spray. Add onions. After a minute or two, add bell peppers. Cook until tender. I added about a tablespoon of the mojo for the last 30 seconds or so - it really infused the flavor into the veggies! Remove veggies from pan and set aside.
• While veggies are cooking, cut chicken into bite-sized pieces.
• Recoat the skillet with cooking spray and add the chicken. Cook thoroughly. Since the pieces are small, they will cook quickly, so be ready!
• While chicken is cooking, heat up your black beans, half or quarter your grape tomatoes (depending on their size), and heat up your tortilla so it won't crack on you.
• Add all ingredients to tortilla, fold and enjoy!

Now my wrap promptly fell apart the second I took my first bite. Since I was alone, it was no big deal to eat it Ethiopian style - grab pieces of tortilla and scoop up the veggies. It's a LOT of filling for a small wrap, so be ready!

Now for the good stuff. This is calculating using the brands that I used, so you may need to adjust according to your brands.

Nutritional Facts:

Calories: 300

Total Fat: 3.3 g

Cholesterol: 45 mg

Sodium: 1360.5 mg

Potassium: 312.8 mg

Total Carbs: 44 g

Dietary Fiber: 11.8 g

Sugars: 20.3 g

Protein: 23.3 g

Vitamin A: 8%

Vitamin C: 135.3%

Calcium: 15.3%

Iron: 28%

The only thing on here that's really alarming is the sodium - that's the mojo. So if you're watching your sodium intake, I suggest making your own, less salty mojo or trying a different marinade.

If you're eating low-carb, this could easily be made into a black bean bowl by omitting the tortilla and bumping up the black beans. With 1/2 cup of black beans and no tortilla, this would be 222 calories.

What did YOU have for dinner tonight?